Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
