omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
