It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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