I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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