to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
