I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
zippers are such a cool invention
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize