you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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