It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
