smell my finger.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
