i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
