Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
