My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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