I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
