No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
