hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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