Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
