apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
