just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
