I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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