I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
