Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
