Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
