how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
