I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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