dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
