dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
