I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
