I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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