I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
