omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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