A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
