i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize