I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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