we have officially lost it.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize