T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
