Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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