Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
