i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
