So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
no you cant smoke seaweed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
