I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
