idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
