Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
