Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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