Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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