apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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