gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
