I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
