I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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