are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
