I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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