Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
