You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
