Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
