remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
