I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize