I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
