This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
don't judge my taste in strippers
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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