Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
